Choices

If you had a chance to say
You had a hand in making me
Would you

If I could reap success for certain
By letting all else take second
Would I

Well,
I am trying to find ways
To turn this axis around
To point it at the sky
Then squash it to the ground
For,
I want not measure "progress"
It makes a mockery of learning
Taking all of change and time to
Seeking growth is wasted

You know,
I cannot quite follow
For my so-called smarts and work
Why I throw my hope at overhangs and
Drag my child up through the dirt
And,
The most inane, absurd of all
I go place you at the top
Never had to jump so high
On so much doubt before

So,
Just like Auckland weather
I cycle days and weeks
When sleep decides to help my feet
I sometimes see the peak
And,
At my best I may even
Pause to smell the roses
Turn my head away from rocks and
See the other climbers

But
Absent, awake, at 4 a.m.
Lidded eyes pull clock and chain
Growing fears and stories to
Heat volcanic rain
Anger is childish, I know
Though I still chase my shadow and
Hoard heartache on my back
Your voice is safely stored and played
Until I understand

So,
I am sorry I am not more
Of what you thought you caught
But slowly (I hope) I begin to know
How to "synthesise new thought"
And I remember,
When I first got here, I said,
I want to be my best
Push me to my limit
Put me to the test

Still, if I had that choice again
To go another road
Would I let this go

And, if you had that choice again
To be a part of me
Would you say no